Sober Guilt: Why We Feel Bad About Drinking - and About Not Drinking

The hardest part of Sober October might not be the alcohol. It might be explaining yourself.

We all know that drinking can carry hidden shame. Shame about what you said and did the next morning is a common consequence of one too many.

But feeling guilty when you don't drink? Now that's something else to unpack entirely...

Feeling Guilty For Not Drinking

It's your mates birthday. A huge stag do. A fancy wedding.

Everyone is asking why you're not drinking, and to be honest you don't really know. Maybe you're not a die hard sobriety advocate yet, just someone who's a little sober curious and enjoying the effects of limiting alcohol.

If you're not abstaining for any reason other then to better yourself (great reason by the way!) then saying "no thanks" to a glass of champagne, shot or cocktail can feel a bit...well...shameful. 

This is a side to drinking less alcohol you may have not seen coming, and one that we want to explore.

Why do I feel like I'm letting my friends down when I'm actually just choosing not to drink?

We feel guilty for not drinking around our friends because we can start to feel responsible for other people's enjoyment, expectations and opinions of us. Even when we know we're making the right decision for ourselves, saying no to alcohol can feel like we're letting someone down.

Sometimes, drinking isn't just about alcohol. It's about belonging.

It's the Friday-night drinks, the spontaneous pub trips and the nights out that have become part of your friendships. When you decide not to drink, it can feel as though you're stepping outside a shared experience and it can sometimes be a bit taboo. People don't always like it when you change, especially if it shines a light on their not-so-healthy habits.

You might worry that your friends won't have as much fun without you drinking alongside them, and maybe they enforce this idea. You might feel pressure to explain yourself, or even find yourself apologising for a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

But here's the thing: You don't owe anyone alcohol-fuelled participation to prove you're fun, loyal or a good friend. 

What to do when people don't support you

This can be the uncomfortable part.

Some friends will support you immediately, these are the best ones in our opinion! Others might need time to get used to the change which is fair enough. And occasionally, people may take your decision personally, even when it has nothing to do with them.

You know the kind of situation - someone is disappointed you're not drinking at their [insert life event]. Be it a birthday, graduation, wedding or funeral sometimes there can be pressure to raise a glass and when you don't it can cause offence.

Our advice? Raise a glass of CleanCo, no one will even know the difference. Or, another great option is to explain why you're not drinking and set a boundary but honestly you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't have to convince everyone that your choice is right, but you can be vulnerable and honest about why you need to take a step back from alcohol on that particular evening.

Give your friendships room to adjust, and pay attention to who respects your boundaries.

Real friendship shouldn't require you to drink when you don't want to.

Doing the unexpected

Sometimes, in order to change and grow, we have to do things that people aren't expecting from us.

Maybe the guilt we feel when we stop drinking isn't really about alcohol at all. Maybe it's about the fear of being different, of changing the dynamic, of no longer being the person everyone expects us to be.

We worry that our friends might think we're boring, that we're ruining the atmosphere, or that choosing not to drink somehow means we're choosing not to participate. So we apologise for our decisions, explain ourselves and sometimes do things we don't even want to do just to keep everyone else comfortable.

But why do we feel the need to apologise for something that is ours to decide?

Sometimes the hardest part of not drinking isn't putting down the glass. It's putting down the guilt that comes with choosing ourselves.